I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
