this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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