we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
