honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
