i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
