Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
