so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
