My friends, they love my intelligence
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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