You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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