i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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