I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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