Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
