Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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