sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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