The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
