They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
