So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
