My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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