I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
