i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
