i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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