Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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