I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
