I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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