I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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