You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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