I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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