no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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