Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize