Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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