I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
