oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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