im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
