dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
