I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
