im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
