Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
how does that bad decision feel?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
