got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
