She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
