Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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