I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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