I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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