I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
