i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
