U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
