ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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