if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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