Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
