Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
