We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize