So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
