I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
