Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
