We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
