I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
