Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You left your phone here
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