i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
