dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
