I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize