You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
